Meant To Be
As I looked into her eyes, I realized that there was nothing I could do to change the way I felt. I guess it was the way she thought. The way she moved, hell, it was every little thing of her that made my heart skip beats and my mind go crazy. Her lips were shaped as a little heart when she didn't smile, and when she did, her mouth filled her whole face. Her eyes, Jesus, her eyes. They were the same colour as bronze. Very bright , and big. The biggest eyes I've ever seen to this day today. Her hair lay on her shoulders. She had huge hair, almost , and then she carried it well. How I wished to run my fingers through that hair. I wondered when I would ever be able to look at her, without falling in love with her eyes without smiling. Was the feeling ever going to disappear?
I sighed and looked her even deeper to her eyes. They were showing affection of the situation. She enjoyed it just as much has me. But in what way?
Did she love me the way I loved her?
Ever since we'd met, only six months before, I hadn't been able to look at anything else but her. The tension between us was driving me insane. How could a living human being be so perfect?
I know it sounds weird, but I looked at her like she was an angel. She was in my eyes. I loved her so deeply that it was hard to sleep without having said goodnight to her. I had never been that addicted to someone before. This was serious. The feeling scared the shit out of me and a part of me wanted so badly to run away. But the other part of me wanted to kiss her, hold her, love her. She burst out a little sneeze and giggled. I almost cried so sweet it was.
"Bless you..." I whispered, but I had no idea why I whispered. Nobody was around. She thanked me with grace in her sight. I needed to get it of my chest. She deserved to know how much I loved her. I wanted it to go further, not just friendship anymore. I took a deep sigh,
"Erm, ?" I started but suddenly felt like something stopped me. My tongue wouldn't move anymore. She smiled,
"Yes, ?" I saw how she could still laugh at the connection between our names. I bit my lip and focused on a spot behind her,
"I have something to tell you." I started but she quickly cut me of with her charming voice,
"Actually, I have something to tell you too...." I could see that she didn't felt easier than me to tell her what was on her mind. Deep inside I prayed that she was going to tell me exactly what I was going to tell her. I wished. She gazed into my eyes and took another deep breath,
"You see..." she started but stopped. She swallowed a bulge and released a nervous sigh, "Erm... Remember that college-degree I've been talking so much about?" she asked, but didn't expect an answer, "The best college in the world has an open spot for me. And I've accepted it." she said. Her eyes told me that she felt guilty. I couldn't figure out why? She'd been talking about that degree for years, I couldn't believe it had actually happened to her.
"Wow, that's great!" I whined, but stopped as quickly as I'd started. I explored her eyes. They were wet from two tears. I pinched my eyes together. I didn't understand. She knew that and continued,
"It's, erm, it's pretty far away..." she faced the grass, "Erm... It's in London..." her words filled my head and threatened to explode. I felt something in my heart, a feeling I knew I hated from the start. I felt deceived, hurt, horrible. I felt the need to get out of her way. To be alone. I couldn't stand looking at her anymore. I rose to my elbows and further up. I looked down at her, but my vision was blurry. I was crying. I turned around on my heels and walked away. The phrases from Craig David's song came to my mind, "I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life, I'm walking away, to find a better day...". I was a coward. I started to run down the street and stopped by my house.
My mother greeted me when I opened the door but I just ran to my room to lock the door. I hated her!! I hated her so much!! Because I loved her...
The next couple of days went by faster than I'd imagined. I heard from 's littlesister that was leaving already Friday. It was Thursday when I saw the daylight for the first time since I'd left her lying on the grass. I'd decided to take a walk in the woods, trying to figure out what my heart was doing to me. As I dragged my feet with me along the little road that went by the side of the lake, I sighed deeply. I tried to figure out what had happened. She, the only person that had ever meant the world to me, had told me that she was leaving. We would grow apart and forget everything about each other. Wasn't that positive?
No. I didn't want to forget her. I wanted her to be mine. She was mine. I wanted her to love me. Of course that was impossible. How could she just leave me like that? It was so unfair! A voice interrupted my thoughts,
" ?" I turned around and faced my past, my present and my future. stood in front of me. Her eyes told me that she’d been thinking too. A lot. Now! I thought, now is the time!!
"What are you doing here?" she asked, and I could only admire her smile as she brightened up yet another rainy day. I smiled at her and sighed,
"Thinking." I predicted her reply and quickly answered, "About how my best friend is leaving." I sighed. I realised that I had been starring at the ground, and looked up to face her eyes. They were wet. I couldn’t stand to see her cry. I wanted to hold her, but I kept my distance. She opened her mouth but couldn’t make a sound. Instead, she let a tear fall. For ever tear that fell, my heart broke more and more.
"What was it that you wanted to tell me?" she asked through the tears. I’d forgotten all about what I’d told her in the park and opened my mouth too, to reveal the secret.
"Yeah, erm… It’s just that…. Oh, it was nothing!" I mumbled, and saw the sign of hope disappear from her eyes. I swallowed a bulge as I starred at her face. She was crying even more. She nodded and grabbed my hand. Her soft hands pressed gently mine.
"Goodbye…" she cried and went past me. I watched her walk away from me. Out of my life. Forever. I sighed and grabbed my hair. I had to tell her. Soon. When I couldn’t see her anymore, I grabbed my mobile and pressed her number. Soon someone picked it up, " ?" she asked confused.
"Come back, I need to tell you that something." I said and hung up. A few seconds after she came running back. I grabbed her hand again and tried to smiled. I let go of her hand to grab her around her waist instead. She starred at me with huge afraid eyes that were filled with some kind of joy. I looked her deep into her eyes and sighed.
"I’ve…" I started, but then the words wouldn’t come any further. I tried again, "For a…" but I couldn’t say the words. I felt a bulge get stuck in my throat and my eyes becoming red and wet. I tried again, but instead of words coming out, a tear did. I bit my lip and held her tighter. So tight.
"I…" I started. I closed my eyes, and for a split second ripped herself out of my grip. I widened my tearful eyes and wanted an explanation, but I couldn’t make myself demand one. Her sweet voice turned into a painful scream,
"Say it, !!" her use of words scared me. She knew what I was gonna say. She wanted me to tell her. I couldn’t. She let a tear fall down her chocolate brown cheek and it landed in the side of her mouth. I took a deep breath,
"I…" I started again, but the sight of her crying eyes stopped me. I was afraid. I’d always been the type that dated a million girls and slept with every city in the world, not caring about anyone’s feelings, but never had I been so afraid of opening my heart to a girl. For not to mention, my soul. I had never been unfaithful to her, never. I threaded her like a queen. Her eyes almost disappeared in the horizon, when I realised that I was moving backwards. I was running away again. That time, I forced myself to stop. I approached her again and bit my lip. She was so close, that I could feel her body warmth. I grabbed her around her waist and pulled her near. I closed my eyes and let my lips brush against hers. She didn’t resist. I felt like being invited to heaven. I knew I loved her. That kiss, I would trade it away for all the kissed I’d ever had. When I stopped to gaze into her eyes again, I saw that she had stopped crying. Her eyes told me to tell her. I took a deep breath again. I tried to look away, but I realised that I would never be able to speak the words. Suddenly, my eyes found hers. I saw something in her eyes. It wasn’t only love. It was everything bigger than that. It was more than love, it was destiny, faith and everything in between. How could it be so hard?
"I love you." I whispered, as I saw her eyes glitter. She smiled widely and hit her arms around me. She held me so tight that I could hardly breathe, but I laughed and wrapped my arms around her too.
"I’m so glad you said that," she whispered, "cause I cancelled the plane-ticket this morning. I’m not going." I widened my eyes again and looked at her weirdly. She wasn’t lying. I wanted the best for her, but I couldn’t be away from her any longer. I smiled as to tell her I was happy.
You see, sometimes it’s better to be egocentric if it’s good for something. When I made stay by my side, I had to make the selfish choice, and that has created miracles. Guess where I am now?
It doesn’t matter how I got here, the point just is that I’m lying in the arms of ’s, and I know that nothing can break the bond we created nearly 50 years ago. I loved her from the first time I laid my eyes on her, and I still do. I always will.